Don't worry,
you'll be in my New Year's Resolution.
i assure you that.
and from that moment on,

puff!

* -bEm-*

when you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you
when you're gone the face i came to know is missing too
when you're gone all the words i need to hear to always get me through the day
and make it ok
i miss you...

damn.

Dreams are the fulfillment of the unfulfilled desires of a human heart.

and yeah, i'm dreaming of you.
but it's better this way, right?

better than seeing nothing at all.
better than being a blind fool.

but you know, i just realized,
dreaming without deed is a fool's work.
tends not to make things to become real,
leaving things just as they are.
dreams.
false hope, eh?
yeah, i guess so.

well, i don't need the electric fan to feel the chill coming from the aircon
to make the cold sink in.
i need a blanket,
no, a bunch of blankets.
make it a dozen with polka dots and rainbows and butterflies
i want my metamorphosis.
get it?


guess I'm always a fool after all.

* -bEm-*

Merry Christmas!

nah, just the usual stuff.
kinda tired from school.
gipamaol.yet i'm a bit ready for a choral battle!
hahaha...practice for the choral presentation na naman...
and tomorrow's a total disaster!
why?
dancing!in front of the PTA and school!
this is kinda challenging...but i'm going to take it!
wish me luck!

i did it.
1st place.

* -bEm-*

I almost screwed...
exams!
great. epistaxis.
but it's a relief our exams are now done.

i went to SM yesterday and it was totally crowded.
and again, GREAT! i saw my newest crush.
i don't know if you call that crush...
i just think he's cute.
haha, and he teased me, alright.
and i'm a mirror, ok. his teases backfired.
LOL..

Il dolore è troppo, che non è male.
Mi sento stupido. E senza vita.
The pain is too much, that it does not hurt.
I feel dumb. And lifeless.

bloody hell.
haha... senti.

but c'mon.
i shouldn't have allowed that 'revelation' to
take its toll on me.
i didn't realize it at first but...
why did it bloom like a cherry blossom
in chilly, lonesome winter?
How foolish of me.
i must be crazy,
illiterate,
a dweeb.
a careless, impetuous girl.
simply stupid.
love...

but I'm getting rid of him.
i AM letting go.
Moving on is within grasp.
Just a few more time.
a few more days.
i know im strong.
i am in control.
i have disciplined my mind.
... mind over heart, they say.
but when Cupid's arrow have pierced me,
i was cornered.
but i had a choice.
i always have.
and my choice
is not to cower on the corner and
be swallowed by his enticing gestures,
but to run.
and leave.
and never come back.
And i'm telling you,
i'm going home.


but i cannot say the word yet...
this choice of letting go of the strings is within me
but i can't utter it yet.
i'm waiting for the right time.
but i will never let HIM know
that it's him i'm letting go...

Waiting is the sweetest agony...
A broken heart is not the most painful thing.
It is FALSE HOPE,
awakened by the most painful truth.
and betrayal...



what if one day you'd realize
that you're falling on the wrong guy?
what would you do?
me?
i'll sleep.
i'll sleep him good night.
and i'll wish that when i wake up,
i'll have sore eyes.

* -bEm-*

Setting: Classroom. Everything was in slovenly disarray. Professor sits rather comfortably on a chair beside the wall, his feet placed on the armchair. Writer stands beside the door, leaning, with her arms across her chest. It's her birthday.

Writer: Hey Prof!
Prof: (raises his head) What?
Writer: Are you going out this lunch?
Prof: Yeah. I'll be eating outside. Why?
Writer: Can I ask for a favor?
Prof: Favor? What is it?
Writer: Can you buy me Swirly Bits*?
Prof: ...?
Writer: I haven't treated you years ago, remember? It's time for me to treat you exactly on the same day. Mamawi ko.
Prof: (looks at Writer for a moment then turns away) Ha...? Ayaw lang uie. I'll pity you.
Writer: (stares at Prof in disbelief) Oh ok. It's up to you. Librehan nuon, nya di gusto. Ikaw gud. (turns away from Prof, leaning her head on the door with a heavy heart, understanding what was just said.)

*food name changed

setting: Computer lab. Writer and Professor are alone in a column of computers and are beside each other, consistently glancing at each other's work as everybody else in the class work on their own.

Prof: Can you still read the board?
Writer: Nope. It's blurred.
Prof: Oh poor you.
Writer: yeah. so can you let me copy from your computer?
Prof. you're copying now.
Writer: (laughs) Right. (silence) now what is going on?
Prof: what?
Writer: look at this. something is wrong with this line. i can't see my output!
Prof: (checks) Yup. something is not right.
Writer: hey, why can't i have that webpage? it doesn't appear at all!
Prof: (looks at Writer's computer then back to his) oh-oh. Mine too!
Writer: oh c'mon! why can't i remember anything? (pokes her head hard) i was the one who did our last practical first and then i forgot everything!! how ironic! now what should we do?
Prof: (shrugs) dunno. mine doesn't appear either. you better check again.
Writer: (covers her face with her hands, then grips her hair) what's happening to me? What should I do...? I forgot... i forgot...
Prof: (turns back to his computer and said straight-faced) Now the real ****** has finally come back.
Writer: (stops short) what? ... (releases her hair) What do you mean? Well, I'm the real ******. what are you talking about?
Prof: Welcome back.
Writer: (looks at Prof quizzically) What do you mean...? I don't understand...
Prof: Don't bother. Just understand it.
Writer: ...?

the computer teacher is now standing behind the Writer. and the Writer asked no more.

ok, now is my birthday, December 7. And i thank God for everything.
My sister first greeted me. (last year, she greeted me three days after. wahaha... but it's all ready done. i forgave her na.)
Well, wish no. ten happened. And thanks to my ever dearest closest circle of friends. they have been there for me and with the pressure all day because of the exams, at the end of the day, they surprised me with a Christmas wrapped gift containing a very nice yet durable violet slippers from Reva, a golden dotted pouch, and hankies! And then a mocha cake from Anita's! wow, yeah!
i treated them Jobi... just burger and rocky road sundae.
and here's the funny part: Mamaw was with us!
It was a surprise. And it was so fun that i didn't notice that time has flown so fast!

Happy 16th birthday to me!

The only thing that keeps me going is the sight of a promising light at the end of my struggles as I live by the challenge called LIFE.


Christmas is looming. But before that I'd have to face my day!
Well, who wouldn't have wishes? I sure have, in fact, about a dozen lists!
But I'd share to you some of my wishes for my 16th birthday here on our beloved earth.
Here they are:

1. Original, durable, light and a handy Badminton racket*
2. black ink for our printer (so that i can print my series! it's been a long time since I've printed my second episode, and my readers are waiting for the third one! ' IK-TO38 ')*
3. Penelope (a witty and interesting book!)*
4. apples
5. mangoes (ripe or still green. or dried! It's a craving...)
6. sky flakes onion chives
7. tikoy delicacy
8. Gatorade or Nescafe in can (mocha) or Milo (any size will do)
   
9. G-tech pen
10. cake or brownies (?)**

*I know it's quite impossible. but it's a wish, remember? Or would it be nice to add 'telescope'?
** I can do away with that.


Great! But I'm not 100% hoping for all of these to come true. But c'mon, they're wishes. and wishes are wishes. If these are meant to stay that way, 'sigh' , that's ok. well, not so ok. but still ok. hehehe... Bitaw, pero mas choi kung matinuod, di bah?



* -bEm-*

Psyche: I've lost you once, I don't want to lose you again!
Cupid: I have to go and sort things out.
Psyche: Why do people want to take away our happiness? Why do they always want to take away the things that we both deserve for a long time? Am i meant to be torn apart Cupid?
Cupid: No Psyche. You are meant to be healed. And to be loved.

Sometimes when i try to appear smart, i appear stupid.
But sometimes I have to be stupid in order to be smart.
In short, it's complicated.

Well, look at that!
Penguins.
Really cute. ( I have a penguin stuff toy! Most treasured...)
Anyway, just attended a Students' Congress in Don Bosco.
And it's superb! It was my first time and it wasn't a drab. It was fun, i tell you.
Skills:
*planning skills
*time management skills
*facilitating skills

hope i can sharpen these skills. Especially now that some of my group mates in English (for our musical play) are killing me...

अनगेर इस वन लैटर शोर्ट ऑफ़ दंगेर.

"Anger is one letter short of DANGER."

And that is very right.

the Writer's diagNoSis
Question: How do you handle your anger when a subordinate nitpicks?

Take these effective steps:

1. Just smile at her. Ignore her complaints about your works.
2. If 'stubborn symptoms' persist, consult her.
3. Give her this prescription:

1 bottle of 'patience' sedative
1 bottle of 'presence of mind' paracetamol

4. If prescription fails, advice her:
"You know, you can be the leader next time, don't you think?"

* -bEm-*

i just realized this now...
making a script can be so dragging.
especially a musical play script.
sigh.

Footsteps. Silent footsteps. Undisturbed. Tranquil. But will it forever stay that way?
Where will these footsteps go?


...to a world of uncertainty.

tHe sWeEtest confEssiOn
bEtweEn tHe prOfeSsOr aNd thE wRitEr

I had finished packing my things for lunch when I suddenly found him in front of me, with a big grin on his face. My heart was beating nervously, and i wasn't able to think straight. He was the one who caused my organs to do cartwheels and I could still remember that wacky face during our science period...
Professor:Hey,
He was leaning on the wall with his arms crossed on his chest.I was piling my notebooks on the arm of my chair
Writer:Hey too. What's up?
We talked about our review in science for a while, laughing at each other. Out of the blue, he surprised me with an odd question.
Professor: ******, who's your crush?
Writer: Uhm, you don't know him.
I can't believe I lied.
Professor: C'mon, just tell me.
Writer: Ok, fine. He's Adam, a neighbor of ours.
The second lie.
Professor: (chuckling) Oh, nice!
Writer: (nodding) Yeah. Really nice.
I don't have this usual thump thump, like before. But why do I feel funny talking to him?
All of a sudden, he said the words that I've never heard before, and have sure caught me off guard.
Professor: You're really great, ******! Really great! I've got a crush on you when I was in grade three and in first year.
Hey, did I hear right?
Writer: What? (standing up) What did you just say??
Professor: I said, (saying slowly, rolling his eyes a bit, laughing) I've got a crush on you!
Writer: What?!
Professor: Me. Crush. You.
He had pointed at himself and then at me.
Writer: Oh?
Professor: For two years.
Really?
He was walking to the door, leaving me dumbstruck behind. And then I laughed.
Writer: You're really weird, Prof!
I call him Prof, because he wants me to, I guess.
Writer: (grinning, feeling utterly funny) You're really really weird! You admitted to me that you had a crush on me... Ok. You admitted... well, me too.
He stopped on his tracks, clearly surprised as i was.
Professor: You too?
Writer: Yup. Me too.

Now that was pretty weird, wasn't it?




P.S. This really happened! Just months ago...

Just last night Cherssy and I went to the sports complex and went inside the horror booth. Just the two of us. With the heart-pounding sounds of terror and dim lights in the black, claustrophobic tunnel. JUST THE TWO OF US. ALONE.

Before anything else, i was quite upset. I thought many were coming with us. Though I've been inside with my family once, three days ago, it would have been better if many of my buddies were there. But yeah, premonition. Instinct. As i was heading to Jollibee where I was supposed to meet my friends, my stomach had lurched, my whole body had gotten heavy. I was not feeling good. And yes, there's no point of feeling good. All the people I've expected to come weren't there. Even some guy friends. I even got the feeling that Cherssy wouldn't show up. After about half an hour of waiting in Jobi and a quarter outside Sugarloaf, at last, one of my comrades showed up. We waited, Cherssy and I. But then, it was getting darker so we decided to face the horrors together.

I was not afraid, but the tension was mounting from my stomach to my throat. I have been inside once, why should I be scared for the second time? Cherssy was the first-timer, and she wasn't tensed as I was. I guess I was so anxious to release my frustrations in my screams. Yeah, i guess that was it.

Just when we have given our tickets and have gone inside the lobby to wait for our turn to enter, my heart was palpitating hard against my chest like in the thud thud music in the background. The booth was supposed to be entered by TEN. Not by TWO. And that was the crazy part.

And here we go.

Before I knew it, I was screaming and shrieking and shaking the rough hands off me, with Cherssy giggling right beside me, clinging like a cat in our looped arms. And suddenly Cherssy gave a shrill scream, with me covering my eyes with my hands and at last I said to myself, "Wahaha! Nishagit na jud tawn siya!" I don't know why I was shaking, and WHO WOULDN'T?

That was sure a heart attack.

They were monsters. Ghosts. And were certainly convincing.

When we exited, we didn't know Psyche was right behind us. I knew from her face that she had fun. Cherssy and I were laughing hard at our adventure, trembling, chuckling, giving high-fives. I felt good, in fact BRILLIANT! All the things inside me were released. Thanks to the booth! That was a fun November one!

We went inside again at about nine in the evening, now together with Cherssy's bro and his girlfriend. And it was Cherssy's turn to tremble and be nervous. It was her second time, and mine third. And this time, I have opened my eyes, just like my first try. It was indeed fun!

Well, to those who didn't go with us, all I can say is... it's your loss. LOL. No, I mean, you've lost the perfect time to release all the unwanted feelings with a seldom action.

You just need the screams.

* -bEm-*

May you rest in His pRoVidEnce...

She passed away just this morning. I don't know her, i don't know her name. But i saw her on her bed, lying half dead, with all the machines around her as her thread of survival. The atmosphere in the room was cold, gloomy, troubled. She's the granddaughter of a friend of my parents, just 12 years old, diagnosed with dengue. She stayed in the hospital for a month with half a million in the bill. And i have seen her, perceived her withered body, just days before she passed away. Just before the doctor announced her brain death.
To you, little girl, may you rest in peace. We have prayed for you... and we will still pray. May you have eternal peace in God's arms.

^ "Diarrhea of thoughts; constipation of words."

^ When hurt, nobody cares. But upon winning the lottery, the person matters for everyone in the vicinity.

^ Do not--never--underestimate a girl. you'll never know what she can do. if you'll try to win the game, sorry, but you're just gonna lose it.

^ My whole nail in my pointing finger is tainted with indelible ink. whenever i look at it, I'd think it's gross.

^ Paolo Coelho is one of the best authors of all time.

^ I miss my Yukito, my large-sized penguin stuff toy!

^ Mdm. Yo should start giving us a break! Hehe.. But know what, i love the way she makes grotesque shapes on her face!

^ The first word I learned from the Japanese language was Arigatou.

^ Chinese restaurant syndrome - the dizziness, headache, etc., experienced by some people as a reaction to monosodium glutamate, often used to intensify the flavor of Chinese food

***

"Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it."
-Chinese Proverb

* -bEm-*

^When can i hold his hand again? Is it going to take long? Will that ever happen?

^ Will i ever see him smiling at me? Or is he going to be just... fantasy?

^ He once sang for me, a song both of us knew. But can we sing the song this time together... forever?

^ Is he going to hold me dear, like what he's doing to his girl? Or am i just to weep, with nothing to cuddle in the night?

^ Is he truly happy? Or just pretending to be? Or is he just pretending, in order to get me?

^ Does he still remember the dedication he once wrote on my notebook? I still have it here, never forgetting...

^ Wasted. Does that mean I'm busted?

* -bEm-*

^ How's Math doing? Great. But it's starting to make me nuts.
^ Why is archery such an interesting sport? Well, it's not just mere targeting and releasing the arrows through bows. It requires a sharp mind.
^ Those who ask are fools for five minutes, but those who do not ask are fools forever.
^ Does TIME always heal all wounds? No. It's just a medium. What heals is your CHOICE to let the wounds heal. Time let's your healing possible.
^ I'm craving for a dried mango. tacos. and Dark Chocolate.
^ Hearts ache when a promise is broken. Especially in love.
^ Know when life sucks? It's when people take away something that we truly deserve for a long time.
^ why do some people curse our happiness?
^ Aww, why is my stomach aching for food? (haha, I'm really hungry...)

We tend to dream. Dream of things that are far-fetched. Impossible to achieve. or possible but not yet at this moment. dreams make us imagine, make us believe at certain stuffs, make us smile in a trance-like way.

But dreams make us breathless.

*i dream of owning a Porsche but all i have is a miniature model of a Volkswagen. When can i even buy a real car?

*I dream of the latest model of the Nokia mobile phone to be within my grasp but all i have is a sturdy model of Nokia's 3310, which has been passed around by a dozen hands in five years within the family.

*I dream of having my own set of books, my own written novels, but all i have is not mine. when can anyone let me have my own library? when can i have my stories written in books and be read by any one interested?

*I dream of becoming a top seed player of Badminton worldwide but i DON'T even have my own racket. How ironic.

*I dream of winning a Palanca award yet i DON'T even know where to start. I'm no good, anyway.

Dreams make us breathless. we are left gasping for air, groping around at things that are not even there. when we dream, suddenly something snaps us back to reality. why does reality always lead us back to the real, unwanted world? It's annoying. really, really annoying.

Yes, dreams make us breathless. but even so, they mark the beginning of hope, a will of fighting for what one would like to achieve, even if it takes two months, two years, two decades. dreams make us sit up on the bed, swing our legs to the edge, walk down unsteadily, and struggle for another day's battles. we want to achieve our dreams badly, we want them to come true. and that's the good point. we fight for them to make them real, and to prove ourselves worthy and capable at the same time.

I dream of becoming an astronomer, a renown writer, the best Scrabble and Badminton player. I dream big, i know. But I'm no ordinary dreamer.

I'll make them real.

Why Balloons don't run Out of Fashion

I've been here for quite a time
Waiting to make some sense in this mess
I try to hide all the things you need not to see
I try to flash a smile when there seems no reason for me
Can I move alongside with you?
Will you ever allow me to?

Why can’t the hinges of ur heart
Open its only door for me?
Am I really meant to be torn apart
And be crushed in my heart’s elegy?

It’s time to release the strings
And bid the balloon goodbye
Have to let go even if it hurts like hell
for I know I can go on if I try
but how can I? How can I
When all this time you've been my lullaby?

I don’t know where to go
I don’t know what to do
Should I continue to grasp in the darkness
Or just tear ur billet deux?

Would someday ever come,
When hope continues to flicker & goes on undone?
or Would U ever hear me say,
When finally my yellow balloons have flown away,
‘Thank God this tranquil heart of mine
Has at last convinced U out of my mind?’

But would that ever come? Would my strings
Fly free on the clouds, soaring high?
Or would these balloons where your name is carved
Be clung in my fingers as I cry?