I really feel awkward. i have been angry ever since i left school just for a single person: the moderator.

we haven't gotten along well ever since the start of the year. our ideals were different--i wasn't used to her ways and i don't quite agree to everything she says. but i had no choice. i'm the subordinate. i'm the pres and i can't compromise my position for serving others just for voicing out my opinions, which would not be listened anyway. i can't just retort. i can't do that. i have respect for her and for myself. but then, does she know the difference between talking back and speaking up? can she just understand and consider our situation, especially the fourth years'? Both instances where I have spoken up have been on the exams week, 1.), the day before our mastery test, 2.) on the first day of the fourth year finals. i know she wants things to be perfect, but then does everything have to be so... perfect? trying too hard would only make the goal narrow and empty. our former moderator, Mdm. Taneo, never pressured us as much as she's been doing to the point that we become annoyed and disapproving. can she sense us at all? I know she and Mdm. T are different but i just can't help but compare them. They are so different. Mdm T is soft spoken, patient and compassionate. the one who replaced her may have goals but she is just so different to what we have used to. Mdm T was game and understanding and she listens to us. I don't know with the other...

I know I have my fault. With this, I've become irritable in school. I wasn't able to concentrate on our exams just because of this. And to think, it was MATH! argh, it was supposed to be easy. but I got Alzheimer's the moment the test paper landed on my armchair. Great. I was annoyed, persistently annoyed at everything. it was like i was an enraged tiger waiting to pounce on live meat. only i was in control (but my fists were clenched, that is). I was angry at myself, at her, at everybody. The turmoil I felt inside was boiling that I want to do a Karate Kick on the wall and give a mighty jab to release the anger and frustration that i felt inside. i kept on thinking that i should be careful in what i'm doing, and always stay in control even at times I'm seized by the moment. I mumble, yes, but i do with all my willpower to compress the emotion in a big box deep inside me. I succeed most of the time, but the emotion is evident on my eyes. I can't suppress that. But i also try.

I have to evaluate myself. I have to think on the next move so that when i leave the school, there would be no hard feelings and unfinished business. I want to leave a legend worth to remember. I have to be careful, especially now that I'm steps away from my graduation day.
But i think I won't be getting that Leadership medal. I don't deserve it, for I feel I'm a wretched leader even at times when I defend my ideals and get mocked in the end. It's just so depressing. i try to manage everything by facing every situation; I do my part as a voice. But do they listen?

If that's the case, the problem is in them. Not in me.
But I still have that nagging feeling....
Oh I need to recollect and think. I need more sangfroid. I need to reset the alarm clock...